Monday : A week's worth of kissing... oh how my toothbrush smells like you're well-drooled on pillow.

it's okay, it really was like walking on glass 

I woke up from my insomnia and with my body dominating illness and what not.
Okay, I don't fall sick often. I can't handle it. I hate it. It makes me so fucking grouchy too.
I hate not being able to be up & running around with my life.
Cause of some fucking sickness. That's it, I'm quitting smoking. I can't imagine being old & bed ridden.
I'm cutting down first, then going cold turkey. Or maybe I'll just quit after art school. But then I'm going back into film.
All of which require me to smoke a lot for personal reasons. No, they are not made up or me being a lousy excuse of a human being. 
God, I wish I was a guy then I wouldn't have to make such sacrifices for my non-existent baby.
( I was thinking Quinn & Julien. Girl & Boy, Respectively ) 

Smoking is beautiful. 
I'm so juvenile for saying that, I know. I can't help it. It's like I'm 19 & 55 at the same time. Well, on most days. 
My thoughts & My personality don't accommodate each other most of the time.
They contradict each other so often, it throws me into a rage of unacceptable behavior.
( Me VS the world, the world VS Me.  Thank God, I've awesome friends )

I've been reading the wind up bird chronicles but every time I read it I'm waiting for the meds to settle in. 
The sizes of the words in the book change from a 11, 12 to 13 subtly & rapidly. So I squint my eyes cause for some reason.
My brain always gets faint at the most interesting part of the read which, usually requires the most absorbing. 
My hands get shaky & the cotton shirt I'm wearing starts to hurt the skin on my back. It feels kind of like, prickly?
Ever get that? I get that when I'm extremely tired and terribly close to experiencing a cardiac arrest.
ha ha okay maybe, probably, I'm being melodramatic again. Just that last sentence, perhaps. Whatever.
But it feels like that for me.

Anyway, illness aside, life has been pretty good for me. 
I've been seeing quite a bit of all my best friends lately.
& that, is enough for me.
minus the emotional trauma I went through 

okay, gonna go back and hit the sack
but but but I willll be backkkkkkkkkk ( think arnold schwarzenegger ( talk about ridiculous surnames ) )

X

Julien, You're a slow motion suicide


I am, as of now, very empty. 
& I can tell, that the next couple of months as the past four days have been, will be a blur to me. 
My brains will be more scattered.
So I'm sorry if being around me will be difficult guys. 
My emotions will fluctuate like the weather. But they've always been quite whacked anyway. 
I can say all this now but I know the minute I switch off & my subconscious takes over.
When I don't bother to think, you would probably think I'm hurting. But I'm really not quite sure what It is.
I really don't mean to be like this, Sorry.

& to think that I was just getting better. 

No! I'll be fine. 
well, hopefully.

I FEEL SO FUCKING STRESSED OUT RIGHT NOW. IT'S FUCKING INSANE. 

you complete me, sometimes It takes a little going away to see the bigger picture & realizing how lucky you were. (including you, van)


Words are as brutal as empty promises are as brutal as being good with words that are no use when they can't be comprehended.


Maybe I just scare people away.


On the side note, Happy birthday babygirl! I love you & can't wait to see you later 

X

to be naked & complete